A battle of the mind

Overthinking is such a thief of joy. I suffer from spouts of depression. In my 34 years of existence, it's been nothing but a struggle. Childhood trauma, betrayal trauma, self sabotage, always wondering if I'm good enough, If I'm lovable enough...if I look good enough. It's exhausting. These emotions have left me scarred. Through it all, I've held my head up. I've cried alone. I got help. I spoke about the book that changed my life. There were so many wounds that I kept putting bandaids over. I was scared that I couldn't handle the truth. Now, I'm disappointed that I didn't seek the truth out sooner. I could've spared myself a lot of pain. The straw that broke the camel's back wasn't even a failed marriage. After I moved to Texas, I got involved with two other people who displayed heavy traits of narcissism back to back. I've dealt with manipulative people all my life. Family, friends, whatever. This last cycle almost took me out. I was so naive into thinking that if you live with integrity, if you don't do people dirty, if you only do good, good will follow. Unfortunately, that's not entirely true. Some situations get put in your life to teach you a lesson. Now, for someone like me, who suffers from depression... that lesson was a hard pill to swallow. It made me cold. It left me isolated. I couldn't understand why things were constantly unfolding so negatively. It made me feel like a failure. Once I found my therapist, I had to accept the truth that I was partly to blame for all these repetitive cycles. It was based on old belief systems, people pleasing, lack of boundaries, abandonment issues and lack of self awareness. If you're not right within, you'll never be able to attract the things meant for you. If you fail in one aspect of your life, there's usually underlying issues elsewhere. If you're failing in all aspects of your life... then you have a lot to unpack. Healing is not an overnight process.